Step 3 · Feeling
Emotions and feelings
What do you really feel, and may you show it?
A short exercise in noticing yourself: what is there right now, in your body and perhaps as a word too? You do not have to commit to anything or explain anything. “I don't know right now” is a complete answer.
- About five minutes
- Two questions, nothing is required
- Just for you, to begin with
Following on from step 2
Noticing without judging
Step 2 was about telling time for yourself apart from distance you did not choose. Here we go one step further inwards. Withdrawing does not mean feeling less. Sometimes there is a lot going on that simply finds no expression; sometimes it is quiet right now. Both are allowed to be as they are.
This exercise does not ask what you ought to feel, only what is there right now. It starts with the body, because pressure, tightness, warmth or restlessness are often there before there is a word for them. A word comes afterwards, if one fits.
The distinction
Emotion or feeling?
When we withdraw, allowing feelings is often the first thing we stop. To notice them again, it helps to make a distinction that usually blurs in everyday life.
Emotion
An emotion is the body's quick, mostly unconscious reaction to a trigger: a pounding heart, tightness in the chest, heat in the face. It is brief, comes before any thought and wants to set us in motion.
Feeling
A feeling is the conscious experience and personal interpretation of that reaction: I feel hurt, unsure, angry. Feelings last longer and are shaped by thoughts, experiences and judgements.
If you keep shutting your feelings out, you often lose access to the emotions behind them as well, and the body then speaks up in other ways.
Experts draw the line between emotion and feeling in different places. On these pages we use the words as described here.
A detailed article on this is in preparation: To the wiki →
Before you start
Thought or feeling?
Asked “How do you feel?”, many people answer with a thought: “I think it's fine.” That is not a wrong answer, just a different level. A thought explains or judges. A feeling usually stands there as a single word: tired, relieved, tense. For the exercise, this rule of thumb is enough.
- “I think I feel fine.”As a word, perhaps: calm. Or also: exhausted.
- “I feel that you're not listening to me.”As a word, perhaps: overlooked. Or: irritated.
- “It's fine.”As a word: still open. That is a beginning, too.
Snapshot
What do you notice in yourself right now?
Two questions: one about your body, one about a word. Answer what can be answered and leave the rest open. One answer is enough, even “Nothing in particular” or “I don't know right now”.
Your answers stay while this page is open. If you like, your browser can remember them on this device.
1 · In your body
What do you notice in your body right now?
Several answers possible.
2 · As a word
Is there a word or a direction that roughly fits?
Up to three. Roughly is enough. You can also leave it open.
Show words for orientation
Five basic feelings with example words, from quiet to strong. Not a complete list, and not every word fits every person. Tapping a word adds it to your selection.
Angerheat, a clenched jaw, pressure in the head
What it is there for: Anger shows you where a boundary is, and gives you the strength to stand up for it.
Sadnessheaviness, a lump in the throat, little drive
What it is there for: Sadness helps you let go of what no longer works.
Feara pounding heart, shallow breathing, tightness in the chest
What it is there for: Fear makes you alert when something is uncertain or new.
Joyeasy breathing, warmth, an open posture
What it is there for: Joy shows you what is precious to you.
Shameeyes cast down, blushing, the wish to disappear
What it is there for: Shame helps you look at your own behaviour and stay connected with others.
The five basic feelings and their power, after Vivian Dittmar, “Gefühle & Emotionen – Eine Gebrauchsanweisung”.
Nothing selected yet. One answer is enough, even “Nothing in particular” or “I don't know right now”.
| Question | Answer |
|---|---|
| 1 · In your body: What do you notice in your body right now? | Left open |
| Roughly where? | – |
| 2 · As a word: Is there a word or a direction that roughly fits? | Left open |
For everyone, whatever your snapshot
Nothing has to go further today
A feeling does not have to be named, explained, shared or changed straight away. If you like, tell someone you trust what you selected. Or keep it to yourself and take another look on another day.
If a feeling gets too loud, the breath sometimes helps: four seconds in, seven seconds out, a few rounds. 4-7-11 in the VYC Sahitya app
Help right now
When things are too much right now
Sometimes no text and no appointment is enough. Then the right thing is to talk to someone straight away. The Telefonseelsorge, Germany's telephone counselling service, is there around the clock, free of charge and anonymous. If strain lasts for weeks, your family doctor is a good first port of call. Coaching does not replace treatment.
- Telefonseelsorge
- 0800 111 0 1110800 111 0 222
- Emergency
- 112
- Children & young people
- 116 111 (Nummer gegen Kummer)
What comes next
Two paths, both open
Onward on the journey on your own: Values
What do you stand for, and where does your everyday life go against it?
Feelings often show what matters to you or what you are missing. That is what the next step is about.
The topic page is in the works. The link takes you to the stage on the map.
Talking about the topic in coaching
What do you see when someone looks with you?
If you would rather not look at your snapshot alone: bring it along to the free introductory meeting, as a PDF or in your head. It is not a must for the journey; you can just as well continue it on your own.
Process and costs: Coaching offer →